I’m laying here in bed, and I have been thinking for a week or so now about how much I have to change about myself. How much I have to let go about my past. And I need a vent. So be prepped for a wild roller coaster of emotions and revelations and just a shit show of it all.

As a child, I was born in the ghetto of Phoenix. A year later my sister was born. My parents were drug addicts and never cared for us. The most involved I remember them being was trying to murder each other or beating my sister and I to bruised husks of children, starting at least from the time I was about 2-3. I was so neglected as a child that to sustain my self and feed my sister we would eat the dogs food or dirt and grass. Despite this,I wasn’t a stupid child. I understood the inner workings of the gear assembly of a merry go round by my second birthday. I stole books from my school and returned them later so I could read to get away from the life I lived. After several years of abuse and neglect my sister and I were put into the hands of my aunt and uncle, but somehow were taken back after several months, right around Christmas. Months later (nearly 6), my biological parents were arrested, and I can remember every detail of that day, and proved it by drawing out a birds eye view of the scene once when I was 16. Nailed it down to the placement of the rose bush in the yard and the color of the woman’s combat boots that tried to take me from my aunt and uncle who were taking me from my biological parents. My aunt and uncle (mom and dad now) succeeded and shortly thereafter adopted my sister and I together, September 19, 2001 when I was 7.

13 later I am still having issues dealing with this. The abandonment issues. Trust issues. Everything. And I hate it. I loathe myself for it whenever it comes out and shows it’s ugly head. I am currently dating the most beautiful girl in the world who is just…the best thing to happen to me right up there with being adopted and being accepted to a service academy. She is patient enough but I know her patience is wearing thin the longer I have these issues. Jealousy and suspicion. Wondering if she is going to leave me, terrified she’s just playing me, over scrutinizing for red flags, trying not to make a fool out of myself. It’s happened before. Looking back on my last relationship, red flags that she was cheating were everywhere. But this girl is different. She really does want me, wants to marry me even. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I know I do. The problem is, how do I know 100% she does? How do I know that she wants to wake up beside ME every morning for the next 75 years? I have to trust her. She says it, and I know it consciously… But my subconscious keeps slipping in these devious thoughts that I hate of “she’s gonna find someone better” and “she meets up with her guy friends and they ask if you still don’t know about them yet” that I have to play mental whack a mole with. I know she isn’t cheating on me, and I’m almost 100% certain almost nothing will make her leave, but I can’t help what hides in the dark corners of my heart. I’m trying oh so hard to remove this mental block, to light those dark corners of my heart, and just trust her with my heart. I consciously battle myself whenever I question her in any way, but it is a difficult battle and I don’t always win. I have to learn to let her hold my heart and to trust her with it, no matter what.

I love her more dearly than any one else in my life. More than life itself, in fact. And I wish I could just let myself be happy with her instead of being suspicious and angry and scrutinizing all the time. I am in the wrong here and I’m trying to do right. I just wish I were already past this……..

This happened. Then this did.